Losing Something I Barely Ever Had: My Experience Miscarrying

When our first baby turned one, we decided we were ready to try for another. After just a couple of months, I was elated to learn I was pregnant. A few days after my positive test, I had a little spotting. I called the OB and they brought me in to check my hCG forty-eight hours apart. I tried to keep myself from getting too excited while we waited for the results. The OB office called and said the growth looked good, consistent with a progressing pregnancy. What a relief! I told myself it was still so early, so many things could go wrong, but I also felt these blood tests meant my pregnancy was healthy and strong. I had another kid already, so my body knew the drill, right? 

A week later, I had more spotting. I called the OB again and they brought me in. I will never forget sitting in that appointment as the OB tried to find a heartbeat, or any signs of a viable pregnancy. With compassion in her voice, she told me maybe I just wasn’t as far along as I thought, it could still be too early to see anything. But I knew. We had a 15 month old. I knew exactly when we conceived. I dressed as quickly as I could, silent tears building behind my glasses and dripping down into my mask as I ran to my car, got inside, and collapsed into a loud, messy sob. I tried to text my partner, but I couldn’t even find his name in my phone. A few days later, he dropped me off at the ER with severe bleeding and pain. I’ll never forget the book I brought with me that day. Unable to bring myself to look at it again, it sat hidden in a corner in my closet, in the same bag, for months. I can never read that book. I recently had to make an unexpected visit to the OB and that same doctor was the only one with availability. “I’ll wait,” I told the scheduler. I can never see that doctor again. 

In the days that followed I did my best to be the mom I wanted to be for my toddler, while grieving a child I never got to meet. I was filled with so many emotions. Guilt for not being a “better” mom, worry that I did something to end the pregnancy, shame that I was so wrecked to lose something I had only known about for 16 days, fear that I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant again and complete devastation that I lost what I thought would be my next baby. It’s been two and a half years since my miscarriage and it still brings tears to my eyes to think about. We wouldn’t have our daughter now if that miscarriage hadn’t happened. Maybe that makes it easier, but it certainly doesn’t make it easy, it doesn’t make it forgettable, it doesn’t make it okay. Time has helped, but it will never fully heal. My miscarriage is a loss that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Carrying that loss is hard, it is memorable, but it is also okay. 

2017 --> 2023

 It's been a while, but I feel drawn to share my thoughts and experiences again. Reflection and writing are powerful tools in my life and putting some of that out into the universe feels right, right now. Since my last post, a lot has changed. I've gotten married, moved to Longmont, Colorado, started a new classroom teaching job, had a baby, survived the beginning of the pandemic, left my teaching job, started selling children's books, had another baby, continued to survive the pandemic and emerge from isolation, started teaching yoga, decided to dabble in writing again, and bought a mountain bike...just to cover some of the highlights. 

Peace: A Year in Beauty

Stepping away from the day to day noise, disconnecting from the internet and simply allowing myself to be, exactly as I am, were certainly my favorite moments of 2016. From North Carolina to Florida to Punta Cana to Wisconsin to Alaska to New Mexico and the Grand Canyon and even in Chicago, it's been a pretty beautiful year.

Lake Norman, Charlotte, North Carolina 1.16.16

Our first trip in 2016, Mike and went to visit my family in North Carolina. Just two months before he passed away, Mike had the privilege of meeting my incredible grandfather while we were there.

Love. Punta Cana, 4.23.16 

As I look back on 2016, it is easy to feel overwhelmed, bewildered, and in aw of all that happened. In my little life alone so many ups and downs were experienced. Death and life, happiness and sorrow, pain and comfort and love. So much love.










There's no doubt there is hate around us all too, either directly or tangentially, we have much to overcome as individuals and as a society. But the hate seems so small, compared to the love.

Sunset in Milton, Wisconsin. 5.28.16

And no matter how much darkness the night may bring, light always returns. 

Sunrise. Miami, Florida. 5.1.16

Even in this flat, crowded city: beauty abounds.

During a bike ride along Chicago's lake front. 6.8.16

Chicago tree blooming in Spring

Barrington, Illinois. 6.20.16

Snow covering a Chicago tree 12.4.16

Joy. Love. Peace. Inspiration. Alaska, 7.20.16

Few experiences can heighten an awareness of peace, beauty and magnificence like Alaska. We just barely dabbled our toes in this monstrous wonder, and we couldn't believe how much perfection filled each and every moment.

And Fall! Oh the glorious colors, fresh scents and a feeling of awakening that follows the rain.

Devil's Lake, Baraboo Wisconsin. 10.16.16

As I move forward into 2017, I know that there is much work to be done. There will be dark times for each of us individually and dark times for us collectively. And yet, no amount of darkness can extinguish our inner light. Through the stormy seas, love and peace remain intact. Even in moments when I feel bombarded by negativity, busyness and anger from the outside world, no one can touch my inner calm. That alone is mine to tend to, to rely on, to grow strength from. So as I think about goals for the year ahead, I think I have just one: always remember my inner self. The quiet, unwavering spirit of love and peace. Just like the sun's light is always present, even when we can't see it, my inner peace is always there, I just have to remember it, honor it, nourish it.

The world awaits at the top of the South Kaibab Trail
Grand Canyon 11.23.16

“And still, after all this time, The sun never says to the earth, "You owe Me." Look what happens with A love like that, It lights the Whole Sky.” ― Hafez

perfect.

As we close out 2015 and embark on 2016, it's easy to think about what in our lives we want to change. Change is good, it's healthy and necessary and productive. But we aren't really aiming to change ourselves. Everything we wish to be, we already are. Everything we need to be happy, peaceful and satisfied we already possess. Our beings are not in need of any change.

When I look back on 2015 I think of a lot of joy, love and laughter. Playing in the mountains with friends. Cooking with family. Swinging with my niece. Backpacking with Mike. Drinking tea each morning. Noticing the sunset each evening. Witnessing a newfound love of learning in a student. Petting a stranger's puppy as we pass on the street. Closing my eyes as the sun shines down, filling me with warmth, light and a sense of renewal.

There's also a hearty mix of stress, anxiety, depression and fear. A conflict with a loved one. Car troubles. Running late. An angry email from a parent. An injury. Traffic.

These feelings are not ones to aim to eliminate. I know I will always experience moments of darkness. I do not aim to change their existence, just as I do not aim to change who I am. I aim instead to change some of my behaviors that conceal my True Self. Some days I meditate, exercise, eat healthy, spend time with people I love and sleep 8 hours. Most days, I don't. This is where my work in 2016 is centered. To give myself the time and space I need to be the loving, compassionate and peaceful person I know in my heart. And I will encourage those I love to do the same for themselves.

To be the best daughter, sister, friend, partner, teacher and me I can be, I must give myself the time and space to be at peace. Take deep breaths. Look at the sky. Listen to the wind. Fill my being with self-love. Sleep. Meditate. Turn my phone off (and leave it out of the bedroom). Hug. Read. Say no (and yes, sometimes). Write.

Pause. Breathe. Remember: I am exactly as I need to be.

Put simply: figure out what you love. Figure out what makes you happy, kind and at peace. Then give yourself the time and space to nourish that aspect of You. There is no better gift you can give yourself, I think many of us know that. But what we all too often refuse to recognize is that there is also no better gift you can give those around you. Being true to yourself benefits us all.

Water for the Soul

As I was walking home from a yoga class this afternoon, I was saw the most beautiful flower bush in full bloom. I stopped moving, closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. As the fresh scent floated through my body and straight to my soul, I suddenly felt as though I was back in Thailand. I was completely overcome with peace and serenity. Tears came to my eyes. I blinked them open and looked around at this incredible world we live in with complete wonder.

It occurred to me as I stood there, not far from busy Lawrence Avenue in Chicago, that my flashback didn't really take me back to a place. My heart and soul felt so completely rich during my time in Thailand not because of the place, but because of the space it allowed me to discover.

Don't get me wrong--I'd give just about anything to be back on the sands of Haad Yuan Bay overlooking the ocean, listening to the geckos, feeling the gentle breeze, sipping on a fresh coconut and chowing down on a pumpkin curry--those experiences were completely unique to Thailand. There's no doubt in my mind that Thailand carries a magic completely its own.

But the cathartic release, open heart and content soul I found on the island came from the moment, not the place. The complete contentedness I associate with my experience in Thailand was about the space I was able to create in my body and mind during my journey. While I cannot easily get myself back to Thailand, with remarkably little effort (sleep, a yoga asana practice, fresh air and some natural beauty), I can get myself back to that space.

This does not diminish the significance places hold in our hearts. I will forever associate so many positive emotions, lessons and moments with Thailand, and that makes Thailand forever a treasure of mine. But I find it quite comforting, inspiring even, that I can recreate that space right here at home--or anywhere else for that matter.

Sometimes, we just need to allow a moment to be exactly as it is, to realize, it's exactly what we need. Every thirst is satiable if we give ourselves the space to drink it in.

A Full Life.

It's been a long time since I've posted, a fact that makes my heart sign. Life is full. I've been waiting for it to settle down, and have realized that unless I let go of certain parts of my life that bring me and others joy, love and peace, things will not settle down. Not much anyway. So this requires a mindset shift.

Ready? Go!

Being full is a blessing. So many wonderful people and places to share this beautiful life with. Fullness requires responsibility too. Responsibility to continually seek inner space, to be sure the filling of my heart and soul matches that of my calendar. This is hard. Harder than before, when I hadn't realized how much my heart and soul truly thrive off of quiet, reflective time spent journaling, sleeping, meditating and practicing yoga asana. It's hard for the people who love you as well. Not only do you have to know exactly what you need, but they have to support you in finding the time and space you  need to be at peace. And you, of course, must do the same for them.

I think the greatest cause of peace and contentment in my life are mountains. I don't live near them, I hope I will again one day, but they're not one of the many wonders of Chicago. So I seek them out.

Rocky Mountain National Park

For Spring break my best buddy, Kelsey, and I drove all the way to Colorado in her wonderful Prius. We spent everyday in the mountains: skilling, hiking, running, driving...They are everywhere!

Having only ever skied once for a couple of hours on a "mountain" in Wisconsin, I was flat out terrified to be in Vail. But the mountains are empowering. Just as tadasana, mountain pose, channels your inner mountain and empowers you in any moment, being on a mountain gives you strength, courage and power.

Breathing in the mountains comforts me. Staring into the faraway peaks and then climbing up them fills me with a feeling of invincibility. I am strong. I can do anything. Through difficult seasons and storms, the mountains stay strong. Their exterior may show signs of weathering, but their interior never waivers. How magical to consider people embodying this same sentiment.

What is your mountain?

2014 = Magic.

When I think of 2014, I think of magic. I think of exciting adventures, amazing people and oodles of self-growth. I think of about watching the sunrise from my balcony on Haad Yuan Bay. I think about my beautiful niece giggling. I think about bike riding through the forest preserve on my commute to school. I think about yoga in the park, smiling students, home-cooked meals, fresh vegetables, delicious teas and incredible company. I think about new relationships. I think about love.

I can hardly believe a year has passed since my reflections on 2013, when I encouraged any and all practice yoga, and I looked-back on what that practice means to me. As 2014 progressed, I started to see yoga in every feeling, person, situation; everything. How humbling it is to share part of this journey with others.

When I hit a couple of bumps in the road, I tried to use Yoga as an escape, only to realize that Yoga is not an escape, but a tool to work through life's problems, an approach to living that removes the need to "escape" and provides the strength to work through difficult times. A little piece of light, a sprinkle of magic that leads the way.

Life's bumps will never cease. 

Nothing, including a Yogic lifestyle, can prevent challenge and pain. But Yoga holds my hand as I work through it. Yoga shows me the light and opens the space to find love and peace in both the easy, and more challenging times. 

So many beautiful things happened in 2014. The lessons I learned are probably best presented in my post-Thailand post, Top 5 Lessons from a Foreign Land. My heart is so full of gratitude and love for the places I went, people I met and experiences I had. But I am most grateful for the love I have cultivated deep within my own soul. This inner love has allowed me to share my love more fully with others and to really fall in love. The cultivation and expression of pure, unconditional love is also a never-ending journey full of a mixture of ease and challenge. And while it may not always seem to be true, Love is always full of beauty. It can make you feel as though the world has been sprinkled with glitter, a magical sea of light. You may have to dig a bit to find it, but press on, it's always there.

I am in awe of the magic I experienced in 2014--both abroad and here at home. That magic surrounds us-- whether we choose to see it or not, is entirely up to us. 

So, in 2015, I implore you to find the magic all around you.

     Look for the sparkle. 

               Seek out the light. 

                         Find the space.                                                                                                                  And love.