Weakness.

Often in yoga class, the instructor will invite you to set an intention for your practice. Most commonly, I choose balance, strength or peace. I love these intentions. They truly help ground my practice, keep me focused and allow me get more than just a physical experience. Today however, I chose weakness. 

I have always valued strength.  I recognize the strength in others and try to honor it. We all have battles that we feel we have won, and even when we feel we have lost, our strength builds. To me, that in itself is a type of win. I pride myself on my inner and outer strength. I work continuously with my body and my mind to build up and deepen my strength. This leads me to push myself, often to great heights. This leads me to achieve my dreams. This leads me to inversions and arm balanced I didn't even know were possible. But it also leads me to pain, sometimes without me even realizing it.

I realized today, that while I do not think I have overvalued strength, I have most certainly undervalued weakness. I don't mean weakness than we turn into strength. Not exactly, anyway. Weakness that allows us to say, "Stop." There is great power in actively choosing to stop, whether it's during an asana, saying goodbye, or anything else. I focused my practice on weakness, because I recognized that I needed to allow my body and mind to be weak. I needed permission to ease up. I needed to not only recognize my weakness, but I needed to embrace it. That is where the learning happens. 

I've always viewed weakness and strength as antonyms. Surely the dictionary will concur. But what if we change how we view weakness? Rather than something that needs to be fixed or built upon, why not see it as an opportunity to embrace where we are in that specific moment? That's when I realized, it takes great strength, to name your weaknesses, but it takes even more awareness. We all have them. For some they serve as motivators, others they're destroyers. But when I started to think of weakness as an asset, as a deeper form of awareness than I had previously held, that's when I could truly submerge myself into my practice, both physically and mentally. 

Try setting an intention of weakness. I'd love to hear how it goes.

Breathe in, and awaken. Here's to you, 2013.

Here's my happiness jar on January 1: reading over some of the wonderful moments
 I was fortunate enough to experience, and making space for new ones in 2014.

The new year provides the perfect opportunity to look back and cherish some of the beauty, pain, joy and growth the pervious year provided. This New Year has brought about reflections that are uniquely emotionally charged. I can contentedly declare that 2013 was in fact the best year of my life. The number of people, experiences, conditions and choices that led to this is nearly innumerable. I feel confident boiling it down to one specific aspect of my life, however.

When I first started doing yoga, I thought it was an energizing way to workout. At the time, I was oblivious to the depth of the journey I was embarking upon. 9 years later, I can say that I have just barely begun to scratch the tip of this beautifully enlightening iceberg through practicing yoga. If there’s one recommendation I’d like to share with others, it is this: practice yoga. Practice with an open mind, heart and spirit and be ready to discover an entirely new being inside of you, that’s been waiting for the space to awaken it. *Give it time.* Let that feeling become you, and let it pass through you, treasure it while it’s there and allow it to disperse. Know that each time you practice it may return if your mind allows the same openness that your body provides. Know that every moment is precious and unique and temporary. That’s what makes it beautiful, that’s what makes it the present. Hold on to the present. It’s the gift that life will always give and it’s so much more than we give it credit for. 2013 was the most powerful year in my yoga journey, so far. Yoga has made me a stronger person both physically and mentally and it has opened my body and mind to new experiences, relationships, dreams and desires. It is my true hope that every person has the opportunity to experience this gift. 

Looking back on 2013, looking forward in 2014, and sitting right here, right now, I have so much I am grateful for. Christmas lights create a warm glow, my Fresh Balsam scented candle is calming and comforting, the persistent leaves still cling to the tree I see through my window, despite the 10"+ of glittering snow surrounding, ice crystals are growing on the window and my stove heater bursts to life. Life is good. Beauty in this moment extends far deeper. My family literally grew in 2013 and will continue to do so in 2014, just when you feel like there couldn't possibly more love, it enters. There is always space for love. I have been blessed with truly the most wonderful group of students, far more wonderful than I could have even dreamed up. My colleagues are fantastic. I spent New Years Eve with 7 of the most incredible women I have ever meant, we have been friends since 5th grade (and some since pre-school), and despite all of our life adventures and international moves have remained the best of friends. I spent time every month with an incredible 13 year old girl who's heart has more room for kindness than any other I've ever encountered. My life is beautiful, with just the perfect amount of imperfection. I often wonder how I came to have everything I have, I don't mean physical possessions but relationships, conditions and strength. I do not understand it, but I do treasure it. I have a feeling 2014 is going to blow me away, but I'm not worried about staying grounded.

my gratitude.

it's important to demonstrate Gratitude today, but it's equally important to demonstrate Gratitude everyday. i love my life. i love my job. my students are incredible and my colleagues are the best. i am challenged and supported on a daily basis. i am constantly learning new things about myself, others and the world around me. i love my family and friends. i love my cozy apartment. i love the way i spend (most of) my time. sure, i get busy, stressed out, frustrated, but at the end of the day, and even more importantly at the start of the day, my life is beautiful. precious. every moment we live in is a moment to appreciate. the more i find that i hold on to the uniqueness of a single moment, the more gratitude, satisfaction and contentment i feel. Gratitude is one of those magical states of being that feels uplifting to give and inspiring to receive. the power of Gratitude is infinite. when my mind begins to get stuck in the aspects of life that are stressful, whether it's because i cannot control them, it's a sticky situation, or i'm just being stubborn or narrow-minded, i push myself to stop criticizing my lack of discipline, and instead empower myself to find the gratitude in every situation. it's always true that things could always be worse, but it's also true:

I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes from Mary Oliver, that compliments this idea of Gratitude and my journey to in the present moment, beautifully.

Today

Louis Schwartzberg said (Watch it, with his incredible images, here): I didn’t have much money, but I had time and a sense of wonder... Beauty and seduction is nature’s tools for survival because we protect what we fall in love with. It opens our hearts and makes us realize we are a part of nature, and we’re not separate from it. When we see ourselves in nature, it also connects us to everyone one of us because it’s clear that it’s all connected in one....

Wouldn't the world simply be a better place if we all saw ourselves in nature? If we took the time to step out, look up, breathe in, and truly look at our world, wherever and whatever that may be? Look simply to observe, to be, resist the urge to immediately wonder, question or do. Simply exist with what already is. 

You think this is just another day in your life, it’s not just another day, it’s the one day that is given to you, today. It’s given to you, it’s a gift, it’s the only gift that you have right now and the only appropriate response is gratefulness. 

Gratefulness. The only appropriate response. A college friend and I used to play the "grateful game" in college. When we were especially frustrated about something (classes, finals, boys, friends, money...) we would take turns naming things we were grateful for. Not surprisingly, we immediately felt better. The only appropriate response to today, is gratefulness. We have it. 

If you do nothing else but to cultivate that response to the great gift that this unique day is, if you learn to respond as if it were the first day in your life and the very last day, then you will have spent this day very well. Begin by opening your eyes and be surprised that you have eyes that you can be opened, that incredible array of colors that is constantly offered to us for pure enjoyment. Look at the sky, we so rarely look at the sky. We so rarely note how different it is from moment to moment with clouds coming and going. We just think of the weather we don’t think of all the many nuances of the weather. We just think of good weather and bad weather. This day right now, it’s unique weather, maybe a kind that will never exactly in that form come again. The formation of clouds in the sky will never be the same that it is right now.

Part of the beauty of life is that every moment is fleeting. See what it is in this moment and every moment. Feel what it is in this moment, taste it, smell it, be it. We can never have this moment again, and not only is that okay, but it's beautiful. That's what makes every moment so special, so sacred. It comes and goes, without judgment, tension or expectation. It simply is. What a beautiful way to be.

Open your eyes, look at that. Look at the faces of people that you meet, each one has an incredible story behind their face, a story that you could never fully fathom, not only their own story, but the story of their ancestors. We all go back so far, and in this present moment, in this day, all the people that you meet, all that life from generations from so many places all over the world, froze together and meets you here like a life giving water, if you only open your heart and drink. 

Open your heart to the incredible gifts that civilization gives to us.  You flip a switch and there’s electric light. You turn a faucet and there is warm water and cold water, and drinkable water; a gift that millions and millions in the world will never experience. These are just a few of an enormous number of gifts to which you can open your heart…

I wish you, that you will open your heart to all these blessings and let them flow through you; That everyone you meet on this day will be blessed by you. Just by your eyes, by your smile, by your touch, just by your presence. Let the gratefulness overflow into blessing all around you. Then it will really be a good day. 

Let them flow through you. Allow life to become you, to lighten your spirit and your heart and to carry that lightness to every place and person you encounter. Be a presence of gratitude, because gratitude is contagious. The more space and lightness you find within yourself, the more others around you will find within themselves. As begin to allow our gratefulness to overflow, we begin to allow happiness, peace and satisfaction to flourish. No matter our circumstances, we all have this moment, and this moment is beautiful, if that's how we see it. 

It's so easy for me to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of things, or the tension or conflicts that come up, rather than just appreciating this very moment. I'm reading a book called Wherever You Go, There You Are, and it talks about appreciating the "bloom" in every moment. Right now the sun is streaming through my window, brightening my living room and warming my back, I can hear the leaves outside my window, clinging to the last few days of fall, dancing in the wind, and I feel such a sense of gratitude while observing these things happen. Now, the leaves have quieted, and while I enjoyed their sound and the peacefulness that accompanied it, there is equal peacefulness in their silence. I love this moment, but I will not try to hold on to it, for a new and equally moment has now taken its place. Today.

joy.

make every moment count, with a simple choice

The Permanence in the Impermanent

I was recently asked about my wrist tattoo. Coupled with some Buddhist reading I've been doing, I started to really reflect on what it means for something to be truly permanent. My questioner ruminated on the subject, "I just don't get it....you must really like whatever it is you get, to decide you want it forever." My response was far too simplistic and somewhat trite, "Well, yes." And honestly, what I was really thinking was, "DUH." As I consider this idea more however, I realize it's much deeper than that. This idea of permanence and impermanence, even just on our skin. Is there anything in this world that is truly permanent? Surly the image I have "permanently" plastered on my wrist will not last forever; The Earth. My wrist portrays primarily North America, surrounded by blue ocean and filled with lush green land. The exception to the lush is the southwestern part of the US, accentuated by a yellow hue, as a tribute to the New Mexican desert, where I was living when I first got "inked up." The Earth is ever evolving, and will at some point in history cease to exist as we know it. Truthfully, it won't even remain the exact same on my wrist, subject to fading and shifting with my skin's aging and that of the ink. But isn't that part of the appeal of a tattoo in the first place? Despite the ever changing world around us, despite the impermanence of every aspect of every day, this image, this Earthly tribute, will remain a part of me, as long as I am me. I treasure this home of ours. This vast sky, these inviting mountains, the brilliant oceans and the uniquely blooming deserts; each and everyone of us belong to them. We are all a part of the incredible planet we call Earth. Countless times throughout the day, I glance down at my little Earth, and I remember different parts of it that I love. I remember the crystal blue waters and lush green forests, and I am saddened by the thought of those things dissipating. So to those who inquire about my tattoo, I say, the Earth is not permanent, and I cannot make it so. But I can make it a permanent part of me, both literally and metaphorically, the former only further enforcing the latter. I believe that's what we all do, when we chose to turn our skin into a piece of art. We take something that we simply cannot make permanent, and do just that to it.

A Second Try

My unplugging assistants: Light on Life by B.K.S. Iyengar, Relax and Renew by Judith Lasater, Breath by Breath: The Liberating Practice of Insight Meditation by Larry Rosenberg (all recommended by one of my incredible yoga instructors), the perfect tea mug, my favorite journal, my very loved yoga mat, colorful pens and a fleece blanket

After a 4 year hiatus, I've decided to try and revitalize my blog. I'm not going to try and backdate through the past 4 years, I'll say compared to 2008, I'm a pretty different person in many ways and still the same ole me in many others. Something about the word resolution really rubs me the wrong way, so I'll just say that I've set a couple goals for 2013. Blogging is not one of the those goals, but I think it might be an effect of another. On New Years Eve, I "unplugged" for 24 hours: turned off my phone, computers and internet. I spent my time reading, practicing yoga, and journaling. I have set a goal to unplug once a month, and meditate daily. I may choose to blog about it, or I may not. This is all part of an overarching goal I set about 9 months ago. Working in an environment nothing short of chaotic, and losing myself in the madness, I yearned for a sense of balance. Since then I have worked to find this sense of balance and inner peace. Over the summer I primarily sought professional and physical balance, I now extend this endeavor to include an emotional and spiritual balance. Many of my friends are a part of this journey without even knowing it, and to them, I am eternally grateful. But I am more grateful for the roles my family and friends have played in steering me to a place of reflection, hope and curiosity. Here goes!